change

I finally found out. There’s a new girl. She’s pretty. She’s slim. When I saw her before, I thought to myself, the x will be attracted to this girl. And he is. I can’t understand what I’m feeling right now. But from the time I knew till now (just 4 hours after), my hands are still clammy. I’m in a rush. I’ve been going from one person to another and I feel this thrill, this need to… I don’t know. I think this need to escape from the feeling that I’m gonna be feeling once it’s all settled in. I don’t want to go there yet. I don’t want to feel hurt and pain. I don’t want to feel inferior and think again of what I did wrong. I don’t want to go there. That’s why I have this aching need to be with people, to be with them and laugh with them and just suck in their strength. Shocks.

But you know what, it’s fun to analzye this. To feel that certain sensation that I’m just watching me feeling this way, and evaluating… just like what I read from Emotional Intelligence book. And here I go again, trying to escape. I know I’ll eventually feel it. And I’m scared of what I’m gonna discover. But I want to wallow. I want to drink. ARG!!!

I love seeing eyes which convey so much, without words or actions. Just the intensity of the gaze. I see only those eyes, I don’t hear anything, I feel like I’m not bounded by time and space, but just that moment, a millisecond feeling of overwhelming need to know. With that one look, I can read so many different feelings and thoughts that person is giving. And I feel so involved in those moments and I want to just stay there and look and discover whatever they all mean. And then I look away…