change

i miss walking by the baywalk... hh with my honey. arg! it's such a bummer to be feeling this way. how do you know when to sacrifice or when to just get up and leave? is this all worth it? is all the money worth it? hay, am just so used to having an easy life that when faced with things like this, i get so affected already. and i'm like this. i don't have to make excuses on my behavior. am i ready to make a compromise? arg! i don't have any choice actually. i want to make money! and it's really upto me to look at this as a sacrifice! hay... so many theories, so many sides to just this one dilemma. it's a matter of choosing the right theory and sticking with it. or just hacking it up for at most (?) 2 months. :) are you satisfied? i still have this nagging feeling. is it valid to say that i'm missing a lot on life back home. build a life here, then! i'm scolding myself. i'm a freako! Lord God, i know you're making small highs here with the pinoys and the tv and the dvd. i feel that you really want me here. i'm just going to rely on your strength to get me through. hay... saved by you again. thank you.

it's so weird. i broke down and cried to my honey. it's been 4 days since i've been here in Malongo Camp. the food is always the same. my workstation is not ergonomic. i only have one person to talk to. and the accommodation is so basic... in short, this is not what i'm used to back home. all in all, i thought i was doing good since i'm focused on my work and i try not to really think about the depressing state we are in. i guess i was just covering it all up. that's why i broke down. i was even thinking this morning that if they were to ask us to stay some more, i'd bring something to keep me busy, set up some sports activities like a sports fest. so i guess it's not the place but i just miss my honey so much. but that shouldn't stop me from living this all up. :) i'm back.

in a few days' time, i'll be assigned to Angola for a 1-year project. another experience of getting adjusted to the new environment and having to get to know new set of people. surprisingly, i'm not really thinking hard about it. i guess i'm used to this type of change. i've tried to take a peek at what's in store for me by browsing through the shared drive for pix and i came upon party pictures. the people are fairly mature (complete with bulging tummies...) and looks like they were really having a great time. it's interesting to know that i'm gonna be learning about the culture of Africa. I find Africa fascinating because their country is so rich of natural resources but they are the poorest. My brother in law was telling me it's because of the powerful countries who have taken advantage of them. now that i think about it, my company is one of those organizations who have taken their "unfair" share of the resources of the country. It's so weird. i've been reading about how CT is expanding in that location and how profitable we are becoming because of that. i'm part of that workforce. haay...

pensive...
why is it that the only time i get pensive and create another journal, it's always because i'm feeling down? is that the only time i get to reflect on my life? oh well... i'm blabbering again. i'm just got in the office so early - 5am. it's our company outing and i didn't have any ride going here except for my sister who left the house at 430am. i'm so sleepy. i wanted to sleep for a while at the nurse station but i just can't get my butt out of this chair.

anyway, what i really want to write about is this thing i'm going thru. we fought again and i started it. well, what he did was really wrong and he admitted that he's wrong. i said some things that was just meant to hurt him and it did. the thing is we were both very hurt with what happened. question is, are we gonna take the risk with this relationship and have faith with the other person that he/she will not do that again? is the relationship worth the risk? i think that's the major question. in my mind, it is. i just feel so much for him that i can't see myself falling in love all over again with a complete stranger. or is this because he's my first? i doubt it. i have very little patience in people and with him, he's just so right. i can't explain it but we jive, i connect with him. we've had lots of fight just this year (considering that it's only the 1st quarter!), but mostly it's just because we sometimes do things so innocently but unknowingly has a great effect (negative actually) on the other person. i'd like to think that this is so very minor since we don't really hurt each other intentionally and we have this unconscious understanding of supporting each other.
i appreciate that his liveliness which brightens up US which compliments my subdued manner.
i appreciate his sensitivity with family which gives me an insight on how a family should be.
i appreciate his take-charge attitude but at the same time gives way when he doesn't really know.
i appreciate his discipline and strong principles because i learn a lot.
i appreciate his intensity, it rubs on my easygoing manner.
this list can go on and on...
and i have to stop since we're leaving in a few minutes. but i hope he can see that.

is it true that when you reach a certain age, you lose all your drive to do new things? the attitude of been there, done that? i feel like that at times. i've lost my passion to get into new things. and the more i thought about it, the more it seems true. it's because i want something that i can't have yet. and that's a family. and in the meantime, i have to live in the present and try to be passionate about what i have right now.

lousy mood
04 august 04

dam this PMS. i'd like to think that it's only that because then i'm normal. i get irritated so easily. just thinking about this thing i have with this guy is making me mad and stone-cold. other times, i feel depressed why i'm in this predicament. and other times, i think about stuff that's of total paranoia, like someone's out to make me miserable. how crazy is that.

this will always be a mystery to me. how to handle these phases. i did body combat already coz i noticed before that i wasn't hit by the PMS when i was active in the gym. i'm doing body combat for 2 consecutive days, and i don't see any improvement at all in my mood. ARG!

back again

i'm back again. i've succumbed again to the temptations of him. it just felt so right to be back in his arms again. i felt so alive. i felt so happy. i felt hope for the future. i still love him. and i've come back to the deep again where nothing motivates me again except the promise of him.

i want to get back with him so badly. i want to feel that sense of being a part of a couple, of taking care of someone, of just connecting with someone. and not just someone, him. i want to connect both emotionally, mentally and physically.

hay, how can i bring myself up again? i'm so tired of having to go through what i've gone through before... of trying to refocus my attention and passion to another thing. i can't even bring myself to refocus to another person. haay grabe...

still don't know...

here and now

here and now, i'm at the office. saturday, november 1, all soul's day (or is it saint's? oh well...).

i feel nothing. no intense emotions at all while i'm here. i don't feel passionately towards this mba paper i'm doing. but i don't have any passion to do anything. is something wrong or is it just one of those days? hmmmm... i wanna bring back that passion. i want to feel that again. and it's up to me to bring it back. i want something new. but i've just gotten this new job. weird. i actually asked for this job because this is what i though i wanted. i wanted to manage. but am i really managing? will i ever feel that satisfaction i've always been looking for in different aspects of my life? once i get what i asked for, why am i still not satisfied? weird.

i know it's all up to me. but how? arg!

oh well, these are just emotions that i have to shut out first since i really want to finish this mba paper. i used to feel so passionately about this but how come i'm feeling so lazy to do this?

hmmmm.... am i just lazy?

:)

I finally found out. There’s a new girl. She’s pretty. She’s slim. When I saw her before, I thought to myself, the x will be attracted to this girl. And he is. I can’t understand what I’m feeling right now. But from the time I knew till now (just 4 hours after), my hands are still clammy. I’m in a rush. I’ve been going from one person to another and I feel this thrill, this need to… I don’t know. I think this need to escape from the feeling that I’m gonna be feeling once it’s all settled in. I don’t want to go there yet. I don’t want to feel hurt and pain. I don’t want to feel inferior and think again of what I did wrong. I don’t want to go there. That’s why I have this aching need to be with people, to be with them and laugh with them and just suck in their strength. Shocks.

But you know what, it’s fun to analzye this. To feel that certain sensation that I’m just watching me feeling this way, and evaluating… just like what I read from Emotional Intelligence book. And here I go again, trying to escape. I know I’ll eventually feel it. And I’m scared of what I’m gonna discover. But I want to wallow. I want to drink. ARG!!!

I love seeing eyes which convey so much, without words or actions. Just the intensity of the gaze. I see only those eyes, I don’t hear anything, I feel like I’m not bounded by time and space, but just that moment, a millisecond feeling of overwhelming need to know. With that one look, I can read so many different feelings and thoughts that person is giving. And I feel so involved in those moments and I want to just stay there and look and discover whatever they all mean. And then I look away…

taken seriously

what's your personality? is it in conflict with what you want to be? do you change to be what u've become.... of course.

case closed. :)

Things haven’t changed between us when we’re together. There is this certain spark between us. It’s hard to ignore. I try my best to not think about it, but it’s there. Unadulterated chemistry. I’ve never felt that with another guy before and until now, to be so thrilled and alive at that moment. It makes me just want to play and be happy and just touch him and smile at him and tease him. Such a powerful and intense emotion. Is that love?

What makes it less special for me is when I think about how he’s like that to a LOT of girls. It’s not just me. I guess this chemistry is not really between me and him, but him purely. He has this way of making girls swoon and just be so flirty and playful with him. And that’s why I shouldn’t capitalize on this. I shouldn’t build it up into something very special. He’s special. That’s it. I’m glad I was a part of that spark.

michael buble

just discovered this cool singer - sounds so much like frank sinatra. awesome! it's gratifying that somehow the music of the 50s or 60s (i don't really know!) gets replayed so that each generation will have a portion of the past decades.

i love how it's so upbeat with a collection of different instruments - instruments you don't hear in the latest songs - their generation's type of guitars, drums. it's exhilirating and an "ear-opener", introducing different types of sounds to your senses. and i haven't even started with his voice.

his voice is so cool, a soothing sound to the senses. the low tone of his voice is sexy and seems to flirt with the listener but the cool timbre implies aloofness = giving mixed messages of what the singer is like, what the singer wants to bring out from the listener.

i guess just the mood of the song plus the voice brings images of the old times with their classic elegance and exciting essence.

it's really a combination of a lot of things which gives the listener a whole bunch of experiences.

Stuck

how do you get out of a job that you don’t want? This isn’t a simple case of not loving your work but a bad case of being misled into accepting the job with the promise of getting what you requested for. It’s too long a sentence for you to comprehend but it’s all there.

There’s a feeling of betrayal that this job was offered in a façade of fulfilled promises. But underneath it, a different goal was achieved that would be beneficial to the company, not at all what I desired for.

What do I do? I resent this.

weird. just a note. I write too much mba papers that I sound too business-like about something so personal, it’s scary! I just want it not to sound too emotional. oh well...

another friday

how come people are bound by an unspoken rule that they should have something to go to on friday night? i think it comes with our culture. our race loves to have fun but why friday? why not saturday?

as for me, i'll be visiting my mom who's in the hospital. what's wrong with her? she feels so much better when she's in the hospital. i'm no doctor but my guess is that all she has is the common cold and a dash of depression. that's one thing i'm mulling over. how can i help her?? how do i control my feelings of "irritation" when she's acting so helpless again?

oh well. so many thoughts. next time again.

“Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together."

I finally found out the truth…. More on confirmed it.

I don't know if it hurts now, I don't even know if I felt like I was disrespected. It feels good to actually see that he still gets hot for me.

Bakit ganun?

Is that all we are? Just 2 people who enjoy having ***?

It’s partly my fault. I let all this happen for too long. i enjoyed it too much and I didn’t think about its consequences.

And with that, I gave you an image of me… ONLY in that context.

I’ve always wanted a relationship where 2 people share the most intimate thoughts and ideas, and most especially feelings. I’ve always dreamed of just being so at one with that one special person. Sharing everything. And that everything only included a small portion of physical intimacy. Only a small portion. Physical intimacy should only spice up the relationship, not direct it because it doesn’t last. I never imagined how greatly that intimacy would affect me and make me lose all focus on the relationship I’ve always wanted.

And I guess that’s what happened between the 2 of us. We rode the wave of sexual desire too much that we got too consumed by it.

I don't know if I can do anything about my image in your mind but I'd rather have you think of me as something deeper than that...

How do you deal with an x. Now, when we see each other, we act as if nothing really happened. Is that even healthy? Is that the norm?

If you ask me, I’d rather not see him or talk to him anymore because there’s nothing else to talk about. You ask… what about those same interests that you both have, the same thoughts and ideas? Doesn’t that count for a conversation? Is it because you’re just not interested anymore to know? Or is it because you are still smarting from the hurt that you felt?

Well, at least this is good because I’m in another level of coping with a broken heart. The level – defining-the-next-level-of-relationship-with-ex. I should do a research. 

I still can’t help but hope that there’s something there. Whatever spark we had, whatever connection we had before would hopefully emerge and we could start again. It was a good relationship but because of a lot of expectations and restrictions, that spark didn’t bloom into a serious and deep relationship.

change
wanted to mark this date as the start of a new life. for 6 months, i felt stuck. waiting for someone to realize that we're meant to be. but it didn't happen and i can't wait anymore. now, i'm gonna be all over the place. nothing wild and kinky. just a discovery of life. wish someone could be with me while i do this. :)
i'm gonna be doing some community service, just spending time with streetchildren this saturday. just something to at least wake my "sleeping" spirit and make some children happy even for a while - create a good memory in them, enough to at least give them a little bit of hope.

Have you ever missed someone so much but you can’t say it because it’s not allowed?
Not allowed. Is it because of pride? I guess. I’ve been rejected by this guy a million times over and with the little self-value I have right now, would I even think twice to spend all that to tell him how much I miss him? I remember my cousin saying “do what you have to do even if it means pushing everything till there’s nothing more in you”. So easy to say but so very hard to do. So ideal and inspiring but in the real world, it doesn’t work that way that easy.

Picture this…

I’m wearing my jammies. I’ve always liked the feel of silk on my skin, smooth and cool. Its spaghetti strapped shirt and short silky shorts.
The lights are dim. I can see the shadows slowly forming on the wall. It’s dusk. People outside are rushing home. I can see the lights on the cars piling up on the highway, a wide view from my 15th floor condo window. I pull the curtains wide open, seeming to want the outside world to share in my night.

I hear water rushing while you clean up in the bathroom. The sound satisfies me… and excites me at the same time. I turn on the radio, looking for a channel that would somehow soothe my racing heart. I hear the song of Sade “… crown you in my heart… your love is King, you’re the ruler of my heart… round and round and round I go, touching the very part of me. It’s making my soul sing…” I smile. Such an appropriate song… a song about worship.

I think about the conversation we had that led to this.

Bumped into each other in the hall. Piercing gaze… teasing me…
I tease back, just a touch of smile on my lips. He follows, now showing his big white teeth.
“hey…” I nod.

This is a bad case of overly missing him…

it's been a long time na... i still get so affected. after weeks of not seeing and texting him, i finally see him. and it looked like he was ok. he moved on na. like nothing happened. he was back to going out, gimmicks. and he looked like he was having fun. he looked like he was having more fun with them than with me during "us". that hurt a lot. didn't he even miss me? didn't he even wonder how i was?
i don't know what to accept. but i have to accept this. accept that he doesn't really care about me now? or accept that he's just an uncaring asshole? why do i have to maintain this resentment to him? i want him to feel that he really hurt me with all the things he said and how he treated me. but it's not getting through to him. what if ganun na talaga? what if di na niya ma-aaccept? what if he never accepts or never ever realizes the mistakes he took? does that mean i'll have this hatred forever in my heart? yoko ata. it's too tiring. all i want is not to see him. to really forget that he ever existed in my life. but i can't. i have to accept that i can't. i have to accept that he's better off without me. bakit di ko ma-accept? am i still missing something? that's what i have to think about.... why can't i let go?